The Virgo Times

Lots of shoulds

I probably should have gone to the office today to deal with the contents of my inbox, but I just could not bring myself to do that.  I had too many things on the to-do list here at home, so I did things here and worried about work.  If I had gone to work I would have worried about things not getting done here, so . . . there's just no way to win at this game right now.

Still, a worthwhile day.  Made some progress in J's room, washed sheets and towels, had a nice long chat  with my neighbor and made plans to get together with her next weekend, and caught up with my sister by phone.  M stopped by with his kids for a few minutes, and then my kid came home.

Tomorrow will be another chance to chisel away at the backlog of urgent requests.  If I just stay focused, it will all be fine.  I should probably try to remember to breathe, too, periodically.

Keeping it together. Somehow.

Happy news first:  M has a job offer in hand! 

Otherwise, tough week.  I'm still trying to shake off this virus, but this was not a week when I could take time off to rest.  My inbox at work is full of items flagged for follow-up, and they all sink rapidly to the bottom as more, equally-urgent e-mails arrive.  Everyone is waiting for me to do something for them, respond to them, or send them something.  Everyone is expecting something from me, and everyone is impatient, but there's only one of me and there is no back-up.  I'm doing the best I can, and it upsets me that my efforts aren't good enough for other people.

I'm really, really tired.  Physically tired, right in my bones.  And tired of doing everything myself.  Tired of knowing that if I there's something I don't do, then it just won't get done--no matter what it is, big or small, whether at work or at home.

Yesterday,  I did my best to brush aside my bad frame of mind and went to synagogue with a friend for an aufruf.  As soon as the service started, I was caught up in the worship and nothing else mattered.  With my cell phone off and all my other responsibilities left outside the sanctuary (J is with his father this weekend), I settled in with the prayer book and lost myself in the chanting and singing.  Three hours later we emerged for a festive lunch in honor of the bride and groom, and as I sat at the table eating and talking with friends I realized that this is what Shabbat should be.  There's a common saying in Judaism that goes "more than the Jewish people have kept Shabbat, Shabbat has kept the Jewish people."  I've always understood that to mean that observing Shabbat keeps the Jewish community together, but today I saw that observing Shabbat could help me keep myself together.

So, I'm thankful that the difficult week actually ended on a very inspiring note.  Today I feel good enough to get some things done, too, which I'm sure is no coincidence.

Five things

I can't seem to make paragraphs hang together right now, so:

1.  Work these past couple of weeks:  nonstop crazy.  Our new departmental directive appears to be "all decisions must be made at the last possible moment," or something very close to that.  No one in my group has administrative support as we struggle to execute last-minute decisions.

2.  I have been so sick.  Fever, losing my voice, sinuses so congested that my teeth hurt.

3.  M is still looking for a job after five months.  Very hard to keep him from sliding into "what did I do to deserve this, why is God punishing me, I'm a loser" pit.

4.  Condo building's water heater mysteriously stopped heating water, which led to the discovery that the gas bill for the common area hadn't been paid by the management company for a few months.  There is no money for the gas bill because several months' worth of assessments hadn't been paid . . . by the developer, for the remaining unsold units.  Cold showers all around!

5.  Career coaching has been tougher than I thought, due to my long-standing conviction that I've never accomplished anything professionally and I'll never be of use to anyone in any other capacity.  Wow, where to start with THAT?  Also, I am tremendously afraid of being without health insurance and a retirement plan.

But, everything is going to be fine.  Soon!  I'm sure of it.